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Cottage Cheese

Alcohol has made me do some pretty... Shameful stuff. But nothing has given me more regret about my life choices, than this one time.

I look back at those fond memories with a... Very sad feeling. The same feeling you would get if you had sex with a sheep out of desperation.

That night I had a little too much to drink. And while driving home (no Uber, because I'm a bad-ass), I noticed something.

My wiener was a little horny.

"Hey, wassup little guy? You hungry?"
There was this escort near me, that I used to see.

I paid for her services way too many times to count, with each time pulling out my best moves. Eventually I broke through the "this is strictly business" bullshit. I mean really, that's what they all say.

If you got enough game, you can fuck any girl for free.

Whether it be hookers, strippers, or your friend's sisters. The world is your oyster, you just need to know how to eat it.

So we began spending more time together.

Just as I had planned. Mu…

Tall Cambo The Wife Beater

Life really IS mysterious.

And like life. alcohol works in mysterious ways. One second, they looking pretty normal. The next, they're choking their wife.

The gang congregated at Tall Cambo's house. And tonight was not gonna end well... For me.

As you know from my other stories. Tall Cambo likes to drink, then force everyone around him to drink... Until you're puking some intestine on to the floor.

So coming over his home is a bad idea. A really... Bad... Idea.

I called an Uber, trying to be responsibly not-responsible. But I should have just drove, because of this.

"Hey wassup Uber bro, I have a question. So I'm going to a party, is it okay if I brought a 24-pack with me?"
"Hey, thank you for letting me know and for being upfront."
Alright! Sounds like we got this in the bag!

"But it is against my religion to transport alcohol."
Wut?

"What? So that means... You won't drive me, if I brought this sinful 24-pack of panty-dropping-ti…

The People Of Reddit

And no... I don't read any of that regular, boring bullshit.

I hear from my friends over at the MISC that Reddit is like 90% liberal, so that right there would be a problem.

I'm only here to look at the girls.

This is something I've noticed over a long period of time. Many... Many nights of drinking, while purveying in the fine art of nude bitches.

Am I the only one that noticed this?

Let me lay it out.

*Girl Posts Picture*

"Feeling cute, might delete later. I'm not sure yet LOLZ!"
 Or...

"I'm so lonely! Someone come fuck me, I'm wet and ready for you!"
And yet, has a disclaimer in her profile that any creepers who DM her will get blocked? 😂

Or...

"Sign up for my premium Snap! $90! Anyone!?"
Or...

"I'mma do all you cucks a favor, and show you my tits. Here..."
Then said cucks, come and proclaim how grateful they are.

Or...

"I've always been really shy about MAH BODEH. But thanks to Reddit, I'm no longer s…

Kirby Vacuums

Are those things even still around?

Kirby vacuums... Even my own family had one. My parents forked over a couple thousand for one. And this was 1990's money!

There was a time in my early teens when I was desperate, so desperate in fact, that I signed up to be a Kirby, door-to-door demonstrator.

This was about 9 or 10 years ago... And not a story involving alcohol.

But I'm running low on Hennessy-fueled stories, so here we go.

At the time, I was desperate for a job. So I naturally went surfing on Craigslist... Then I saw it. A "vacuum demonstrator" or something like that. And from the looks of it, all I needed to do was show people how cool it was.

Juggle the vacuum and three of it's components, while a clown girl stabs me in the ass with a sword? Gotcha.

And no experience necessary?

So I went to their office to meet the lady in charge, and she looked very... Shady.

"Hi, I'm here to apply for the vacuum demonstrator position!"
"Great, sign, date…

Hey Lookout Behind You

It was one of those nights, we just had a long fucking day at work. And I was ready to drink it all away.

One of my co-workers, hits me up.

"Hey bro, lets go hit the pool hall. And take some shots too, bro!"
"Bro... You down, bro?"
"Always... Bro."
And here we are, at the pool hall!

Oh look, there a shot.

...And another one.

I honestly have no idea how, but these shots just keep appearing out of nowhere. I'm just gonna drink until the Hennessy stops magically appearing.

😂

Tonight I was with some co-workers.

Skinny Cambo, and Tall Cambo. 

Tall Cambo is one of those people... Who likes to keep ordering shots until everyone's blood/alcohol level is so high, that they all just spontaneous combust. While Skinny Cambo, is usually just along for the ride.

"Come on bro, don't waste this shot. I paid for this with my hard-earned money!"
"Shit dude, I told you I was gonna fucking puke."
"Come on Leo, don't waste money bro!&q…