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I Got Alcohol Poisoning

Dudes...

I don't know if I got WAY too fucking drunk, or if someone tried to date-rape-drug rape me. But it happened... And this has never happened before.

But it did.

I feel so violated.

I don't know if I can talk about this, without my safe space.

There we were, huddled around a bottle at Fairy's house: me, Dumb Ass, Fairy (obviously), the GF, and Jen. Two girls. One was family, and the other is... You know... Girlfriend.

I got off work, we united, then sat around listening to Dumb Ass awkwardly hit on my niece.

Shots please!

Ah, nothing like Kirkland Signature whiskey.

I swear, Costco is going to take over the world. And I will welcome my new wholesale overlord. You can charge membership fees all day, everyday. And I will pay it. No problem!

Strangely the drinks didn't go down that well.

You know how, sometimes, you get that reflex as soon as the shit hits your throat? Those were some rough shots. But I stuck it out, nothing can derail this party-train.

"Alrighty…

Pissing Off Every Girl

You remember my friend, Fairy?

How about Dumb Ass?

Dumb Ass, has a very special ability. The ability to piss of any girl in record time, every time. Like seriously, in Fairy's own words...

"I have never met anyone who can get under a girls skin and just piss her the fuck off, as well as you."
So the three of us went out,  just to have a good time.

As usual, Dumb Ass looks like a slob. I even told him myself,

"Clean your fucking clean shit up. Stop dressing like a homeless tweaker."
But nope. It is going to be the, "I'm not going to listen to anyone, and die a virgin" trajectory for this asshole. Good luck!

We were sitting at a table, drinking...  Watching the white girls try to dance. And the subsequent randoms with their confidence boost from that hipster IPA, getting in line to all try the same line.

Makes me think back to when I was single.

Did I look that pathetic?

Then Dumb Ass runs off to chat up the HOTTEST... Did you see that bold-ed, capi…

So I Joined SeekingArrangements

Some people would say, I don't respect women.

And some people, would be right as fuck.

One night, I had a couple shots and had an awesome idea!

Trying to get free pussy from Tinder wasn't working, so let's flip the cards. And no, I don't mean go L.G.B.T.L.M.A.O.

Let's pretend to be a sugar daddy!

So during my Tinder days, I would try to find these "matches" right? And when I finally did, I'd shoot a couple messages,

"Hey, I love your *Insert bullshit* they look great on you. How are you?"
Start off with the same, old bullshit. It usually goes nowhere as you would quickly run out of shit to say.

A funny thing about Tinder is, I'd ask the bitch out and she would say no... So? What exactly was the point of all that chatter?

I only met one girl off Tinder.

And she crazy.

Bitches from Tinder can be categorized into the following: crazy, ego-boosters, fat/ugly, catfish, and guys pretending to be girls

If you got a dink, and you're on Tin…

I Fought The LGBT Movement

Here we are,

Again...

I'mdrunk. And outside the house, somewhere.

Then one of those asshole friends of mine was all like,

"Hey Leo, you want a shot?"
 I replied,

"No, I'm good."
"Well that's fucking gay..."
An outraged, disembodied voice screams back,

"You got a problem with gay people?"
Andy spits back,

"Fuck you, I wasn't even talking to you."
Hey, what a coincidence! This is starting to remind me of that one night at the strip club. Except this time, we have an easily offended twink yelling at us.

How come everything reminds of that stripper bitch? Maybe I'm just scarred.

"No fuck YOU, you discriminating bigot! All you cis-males are the same!"
I tried ordering some popcorn from the bartenders, but they ignored me... It's okay, thanks for saving me money. No tips fah u! ASSHOLES.

But I was confused, what in the world is a cis-male? I've never heard that term before.

Cis?

Sis?

Mail?

So I walked bac…

Bitch Threatened To Beat You Up

How low have we come as a fucking male species.

I mean seriously.


How low did y'all go.

I'm about to do another drunk post, this is real talk fellas.

Tonight I went out with a couple coworkers: one is a original gangster, the other is a liberal.

Need I say more?

Now notice the differences.

...Both were talking to this one chick.

She was white with a "I-wanna-be-a-gangster-bitch" attitude, looked like a stoner but wasn't chill... And all at the same time. You know... I don't know, I'm confused.

She just looked like a bitch.

Done.


The OG got hit with some trash talk, but she pulled a quick reversal,

"Oh no, OMG. Just kidding! No really doe, whatchu doing round these parts."
I guess she was digging the gangster. She explained how we're in her hood, and shit like that... Sure... Guess she's trying to say she's a bad bitch.

I didn't know living in a rich, white neighborhood was JUST like living in the projects!

Now, that other asshole…