Volkswagen Golf Drivers

I'm not just being angry for no reason.

It is a problem, limited to the great state of Starbucks? And J. Crew?

Speaking of J. Crew, who the hell spends $200 on some shitty t-shirt, anyways?

The stuff looks like something, you can find at Goodwill for $2, and comes with a free stain.

Like who are the dumb fucks, buying this shit. If you got that much money, just buy a fucking gold chain and a diamond grille.

Now people know you got money, and you look way less stupid.

Speaking of stupid, lets have a chat about our friend. The Volkswagen Golf driver.

Those little wanna-be Audi's. With the bubble butts.

Let me ask you this.

Why are all of you, in such a rush? Like seriously. Every single time I see one of you assholes. You're all speeding, tailgating, just a general piece of shit.

Like, you think you're driving a super car. Or a Honda. Maybe BMW.

But guess what bitch, you in a wanna-be Porsche.

...A fancy Beetle.

...A Volkswagen-Aufweisen-Saurkraut.

No matter where I go, 

...Whether it be to work.

...Going home from work.

...To McDonalds, cause I'm still a plebian.

...Visiting my local hooker.

If there is a Golf behind me, you bet they going 20 over. Racing to the finish line. Which is actually the next red light, where they will stay until I end up right behind them.

Then they speed off again.


I also noticed the typical driver, of one of these:

1. White

2. Under-30 nerd.

3. Over-30 nerd. (Probably an engineer.)

3.5. A devoted Planet Fitness member.

4. Or someone who thinks they are very smart.

And last but not least, also virgin.

Like the nerdy version, of a Subaru STI driver.

Maybe that's why, y'all drive like bitches. Does virginity really hurt that much?

You don't have to take your frustrations out, on everyone around you.

You can solve your problems, by hiring a hooker. It's simple...

But maybe that's not the issue either. Because there is a black Golf, at my work.

Whether you get to work an hour early, or 5 minutes away from go-time.

This car be on your ass the entire way. And if the virginity is hurting extra bad, that day. They pass you, as close as possible to your car. By going into the oncoming lane of course.

So what is the issue?

You know...

Maybe I get it.

You got to get to work, as fast as possible. So you have time for your daily ass stretching.

And the reason you are in such a hurry, is because you promised to have it all lubed up and ready, by the time your boss comes (cums) in.

And it would be such a shame, to disappoint your boss.

You also continually set higher standards, for yourself. So one day... You can be a manager too.

And maybe, just maybe. One day. Stop bending over.


I get you.

I understand, being a bitch is no fun. But there are other ways.

Let Leo help you.

...Just slow down, and quit driving like your balls are falling off.

...Stop thinking so highly of yourself. You share the road with everyone.

...This might be hard, but try not to be a bitch. Learn patience and give other people space.

Or one day, your gonna have a truck brake check your fancy Golf. And guess what, that trailer hitch is at the perfect height. To fuck your shit up, yet leave the truck perfectly unscathed.

Oh what's that?

I purposely did what?

Well, you wouldn't have hit me. If you were following too close. See ya later!

Thanks for physical therapy! I've been needing those free massages.


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