The Stripper That Won't Take No

We snuck in some shots...

Those little mini bottles.

They surprisingly, pack quite the punch.

One or two, and I'm feeling good! Three or four? Forget about it.

It's over.

Sitting on my right, is Fairy. To my left... Dumb Ass. Why Dumb Ass?


We all have THAT friend.

And Dumb Ass, is THAT friend.

The three of us made it rain, last week. Even gave the waitress a Washington Shower.

It was great fun. I remember,

...Not much, actually.

...But I got more love, than my asshole friends.

So I was happy.

This one waitress kept trying to twerk... Aannndddd I see why she is a waitress.

Everyone should show more love for our waitresses... Really. 

They get minimal attention, and the really fun job of cleaning up after everyone's done. And who knows what they do about the backroom... Nasty.

I was there, as usual, just trying to have a good time.

...Being a unrepentant drunk.

...Ogle at tits, with ZERO shame.

I was a bit tired. But that won't stop me.

I saw the same waitress, from last time! She was on all fours, getting that stage squeaky clean.

Lucky as she is, to be in the presence of such sexiness, I contemplated letting her know. As I lovingly, threw her some ones.


It was a little awkward, but whatever.

A stripper came by.

...She spoke to Fairy first. As they all did tonight.

"Fuck you...! Fucking asshole."

Just cause Dumb and I, aren't as big or tall... They ignored us, all of them! Whispering sweet bullshit into Fairy's ear,


What did I get? Nothing.

Fuck you, Fairy.

Don't forget who drove your ass tonight. 

...Fairy turned her away, so she went to me.

Apparently, it was some kind of 3-for-1 deal...

Thanks, but no thanks.

...She tried Dumb Ass next, but dude was broke.

She kept going back and forth, between the three of us.

At first, she tried to seduce us. One-by-one, she gave us her best (and fake as fuck... Like most titties, in the room),

"Oh, you're SO sexy! I want you..." 

To give YOU money, right? Right.


Then she tried high-pressure sales tactics, which is also known by it's porn-star name as the hustle...

"Hey honey, want a dance? I'm really fun!"

"No I'm sorry, I'm out of money."

"I can take credit, or you can go hit the ATM."

"No, I'm okay thank you. I just want to enjoy the show."

"Come on back, we can work out a deal."

"No, I'm okay. Thank you. My friend might want a dance."

"Why? Am I too ugly for you? Is THAT IT!?

"I'm really sorry, but I'm all out of cash."

"Come on! I will give you a great deal! Come on, come on, come onnn!"

Holy fucking shit. No... means NO.

How many times do I have to say, I don't have money, before it clicks.  

NO, I'm very fucking sure. I DO NOT want a FUCKING DANCE!

It all floated away, in the form of raining one dollar bills.

I wasn't being cheap, or an asshole. I just didn't want a fucking dance.

 Then Dumb Ass got up, and started going back with her.

"What the hell you doing, you don't have money!"

"I thought one of you guys said, you would pay for me?"

"Hell no! Who the fuck said that!?"

So Dumb, sat his fat ass back down... And she came fuming. Threw a fit, tantrum, everything... All courtesy, of my good friend... The one and only, Dumb Ass. Who works really hard to earn his title.

She was all up in Dumb Ass's face,

"That is fucked up, you said you would fucking pay me!"

Blah blah blah...



*Cry Some More*

*Hurt Feelings*

Dumb Ass just sat there, cowering... Like, head down between the knees and everything.

The "kill me now, I surrender my life to you" pose.

Dumb Ass looked exactly like how I would imagine...

...Something really pathetic.

Except now, it's a stripper trying to force one of MY friends into handing over their money. And we just can't have that.

Thinking back, I should have just let her chew Dumb Ass up...

But nope, I just HAD to stick up for my friends...

"Can't you just go ask someone else? Look around, there are plenty of people here."


"Dumb does NOT have money! Go ask someone else!"

My manners... Along with my patience, was quickly running out. I was getting angry... VERY ANGRY. And when you combine Leo, alcohol, and some instigating whores. Something's gonna happen, it doesn't happen often, but when it does.

Its party time, baby.

"This is why y'all don't get fucking laid!"

Oh yeah, insulting me will do the trick. YOU GOT ME. Totally found my weakness, I'm "really" into humiliation porn.

I wasn't going to say anything back, but I just HAD to get the last word in.

"Just GO AWAY..."


Then came the screaming match, there wasn't much that was said. At least anything intelligent.

I was drunk, after all.

I pushed that piece of shit, Dumb Ass, out of my way.



"Get the FUCK away! Just GO AWAY!"

She sat there, staring at me with her bug eyes.

I see a waitress, walking by.

"Hey can you please make this bitch go away."

Waitress says nothing...

The stripper bitch shot back,




This continued for like five minutes.

"We don't have money. Go! Just go! Get the fuck out of here!"


"Well, you're talking to me NOW bitch!"


"No, fuck YOU, stupid cunt! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"

She didn't budge, she just sat there... Staring at me with those bug eyes.

If there was ever a time, I wanted to beat a girl's ass... This was it.

All she gotta do, is walk away. Why is it so hard!? She came to ME, started a fight, and now she is gonna sit there?

Until an angry-drunk-Asian guy, loses it?

I was leaning in close.

Ready to body slam someone's bitch!

Ready to climb up on stage to take my shirt off. But only after a quick twerk, of course. I gotta show that waitress, what a REAL twerk looked like.


...Jumping off, to thousands of camera flashes.

...I put The Bitch in a ankle lock, until she tapped.

I don't understand why she didn't just fucking go.

At this point, I'd only back down if: hell iced over, a cow decides to Dougie, the devil makes a deal with Leo, and the fucking government paid ME taxes.

I'd be beyond stupid to fork over any money after that.

She might as well, kiss my ass. Because that's the only love she is ever getting from me.

Fairy did not think the same.

Mother-fucker stepped in, to become our fearless white knight. Grabbed her by the hand,

"Don't worry baby, I know you're mad. Fuck Leo. Let me make this right."

Like a cheap knock-off of our ever famous, Casanova. They whispered a few words to each other, and left.

I was glaring so hard, I think I burst a fucking eye vein.

I sat there, speechless... At least, she's gone. And so is that asshole.

Dumb Ass and I, looked at each other.

"What the fuck just happened!?"

"Well, Fairy took her back a..."

"Shut up, I know what fucking happened!"

I don't know, whatever. I need to piss...

I felt a tap on my shoulder. Great... I turn around, and lo' and behold! Another stripper is requesting my full, undivided attention. JUST FUCKING GREAT!

"Hey, lets hang out."

"No, I'm okay, thank you."

 "Why? You don't talk? All I'm asking is if you wanted to talk..."

Great... Here we go. I can feel it coming back, that urge to swear. But I control myself, it was seriously, not even five-fucking-minutes.

Gritting my teeth.

"Sure, I can talk."

"Where are you from?"

"I'm from Everett..."

"Do you speak English?"

Are you FUCKING dumb!? HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! Must... Control myself... Don't get mad. DON'T GET MAD.

"Yes... I speak'eath English."

"You want a dance?"

Now summoning every ounce of strength to not scream things, my mom would be ashamed of.

"No, I'm okay."

"I'm going to come back later, okay?"


"Okay, see you in a little bit."


Tonight is NOT my night.

Tonight was reminiscent of the time, this stripper demanded I pay her for talking to me. Talking... To... Me...

Yes, I'm such a loser.

I need to pay some skinny chicken-legs, with no tits or ass... To fucking speak with me.

Apparently, I'm an intolerable asshole... Fairy is a stud... And Dumb Ass is still a lost cause.

On the way home, I had to pee REALLY bad... So I made an emergency at stop at some random apartment complex, and got out... I pissed everywhere.


Guess what Fairy told me, on the way back.


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