The Stripper That Won't Take No

We snuck in some shots...

Those little mini bottles.

They surprisingly, pack quite the punch.

One or two, and I'm feeling good! Three or four? Forget about it.

It's over.

Sitting on my right, is Fairy. To my left... Dumb Ass. Why Dumb Ass?


We all have THAT friend.

And Dumb Ass, is THAT friend.

The three of us made it rain, last week. Even gave the waitress a Washington Shower. It was great fun.

This one waitress kept trying to twerk... Aannndddd I see why she is a waitress.

Everyone should show more love for our waitresses... I mean, really. 

They get minimal attention, and the really fun job of cleaning up after everyone's done. And who knows what they do about the backroom... Nasty.

I was there, as usual, just trying to have a good time.

...Being a unrepentant drunk.

Hey, it's her again!

I saw the same waitress, from last time! She was on all fours, getting that stage squeaky clean.

Lucky as she is, to be in the presence of such sexiness, I contemplated letting her know. As I lovingly, threw her some ones.


Awkward, but whatever.

A stripper came by.

...She spoke to Fairy first. As they all did tonight.

Just cause Dumb and I, aren't as big or tall... They ignored us, all of them! Whispering sweet bullshit into Fairy's ear,


Fuck you, Fairy.

Don't forget who drove your ass tonight. 

Fairy turned her away, so she went to me. Ugh... Apparently, it was some kind of 3-for-1 deal.

Thanks, but no thanks.

She tried Dumb Ass next, but dude is broke.

She kept going back and forth, between the three of us.

At first, she tried to seduce us. One-by-one, she gave us her best (and fake as fuck... Like most titties, in the room),

"Oh, you're SO sexy! I want you..." 

To give YOU money, right? Right.


Then she tried high-pressure sales tactics,

"Hey honey, want a dance? I'm really fun!"

"No I'm sorry, I'm out of money."

"I can take credit, or you can go hit the ATM."

"No, I'm okay thank you. I just want to enjoy the show."

"Come on back, we can work out a deal."

"No, I'm okay. Thank you. My friend might want a dance."

"Why? Am I too ugly for you? Is THAT IT!?

"I'm really sorry, but I'm all out of cash."

"Come on! I will give you a great deal! Come on, come on, come onnn!"

Holy fucking shit. No... means NO.

How many times do I have to say, I don't have money, before it clicks.  

NO, I'm very fucking sure. I DO NOT want a FUCKING DANCE!

It all floated away, in the form of raining one dollar bills.

I wasn't being cheap, or an asshole. I just didn't want a fucking dance.

Dumb Ass got up, and started walking back with her.

"What the hell you doing, you don't have money!"

"I thought one of you guys said, you would pay for me?"

"Hell no! Who the fuck said that!?"

So the dip-shit slammed it into reverse, sitting his ass back down... And she came fuming. Threw a fit, tantrum, everything... All courtesy of my good friend...

She was all up in his face,

"That is fucked up, you said you would fucking pay me!"

Blah blah blah...



*Cry Some More*

*Hurt Feelings*

Dumb Ass just sat there, cowering... Like, head down between the knees and everything.

The "execute me now, I surrender my life to you" pose.

Except now, it's a stripper trying to force one of MY friends into handing over their money. 

And we just can't have that.

Thinking back, I should have just let her fuck his shit up.

But nope, I just HAD to stick up for my friends...

"Can't you just go ask someone else? Look around, there are plenty of people here."


"Dumb does NOT have money! Go ask someone else!"

My manners... Along with my patience, was quickly running out. I was getting angry... VERY ANGRY. And when you combine Leo, alcohol, and some instigating whores. Something's gonna happen, it doesn't happen often, but when it does.

Its party time, baby.

"This is why y'all don't get fucking laid!"

Oh yeah, insulting me will do the trick. YOU GOT ME. Totally found my weakness.

I wasn't going to say anything back, but I just HAD to get the last word in.

"Just GO AWAY..."


Then came the screaming match, there wasn't much that was said. At least anything intelligent.

I was drunk, after all.

I pushed that piece of shit out of my way.



"Get the FUCK away! Just GO AWAY!"

She sat there, staring at me with her bug eyes.

I see a waitress, walking by.

"Hey can you please make this bitch go away."

Waitress says nothing...

The stripper bitch shot back,




This continued for like five minutes.

"We don't have money. Go! Just go! Get the fuck out of here!"


"Well, you're talking to me NOW bitch!"


"No, fuck YOU, stupid cunt! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"

She didn't budge, she just sat there... Staring at me with those bug eyes.

If there was ever a time, I wanted to beat a girl's ass... This was it.

All she gotta do, is walk away. She came to ME, started a fight, and now she is gonna sit there until an angry-drunk-Asian guy, loses it?

I was leaning in close.

Ready to body slam that bitch!

Ready to climb up on stage, and Hulk Hogan this biatch! But only after a quick twerk, of course. I gotta show that waitress what a REAL twerk looked like.


...Putting that stripper bitch in a ankle lock until she fucking tapped.

If this bitch thinks she is getting any money from us at this point, she is pretty fucking stupid. Or maybe she thinks I'm the stupid one, and that I will fork over the money if she bitches me out enough.

Well, she can kiss my ass.

Fairy did not think the same.

Mother-fucker stepped in, to become our fearless white knight. Grabbing her by the hand,

"Don't worry baby, I know you're mad. Fuck Leo. Let me make this right."

Like a knock-off Casanova. They whispered into each other's auditory orifice, and left.

...I was glaring so hard, I think I burst a fucking eye vein.

I sat there, speechless...  

At least, she's gone. And so is that asshole.

Dumb Ass and I, looked at each other.

"What the fuck just happened!?"

"Well, Fairy took her back a..."

"Shut up, I know what fucking happened!"

I don't know, whatever... I need to piss...

I felt a tap on my shoulder. Great... I turn around, and lo' and behold! Another stripper is requesting my full, undivided attention. JUST FUCKING GREAT!

"Hey, lets hang out."

"No, I'm okay, thank you."

 "Why? You don't talk? All I'm asking is if you wanted to talk..."

Great... Here we go. I can feel it coming back, that urge to swear. But I control myself, it was seriously not even five-fucking-minutes.

Gritting my teeth.

"Sure, I can talk."

"Where are you from?"

"I'm from Everett..."

"Do you speak English?"

Are you fucking dumb!? HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! Must... Control myself... Don't get mad. DON'T GET MAD.

"Yes... I speak'eath English."

"You want a dance?"

Now summoning every ounce of strength to not scream things, my mom would be ashamed of.

"No, I'm okay."

"I'm going to come back later, okay?"


"Okay, see you in a little bit."


Tonight is NOT my night.

Tonight was reminiscent of the time, this stripper demanded I pay her for talking to me. Talking... To... Me...

Yes, I'm such a loser.

I need to pay some skinny chicken-legs, with no tits or ass... To speak with me.

On the way home, I had to pee REALLY bad... So I made an emergency at stop at some random apartment complex, got out... Then pissed on someone's lawn.



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