You Are Pretty Fucking Crazy

You ever meet someone, who seem to be pretty normal... At first?

Then they start telling you these stories, that seem a little - out there.

But not enough for you to straight up be like,

"Hey, you are pretty fucking crazy, bro."

Then they continue,

And...

Sweet mother of God!

A fellow employee/prisoner was talking to me about these health conditions. And how, the dumb ass burnt away all his benefits due to a severe case of I-Don't-Give-A-Fuckititis. 

Which isn't unusual, people here are lazy as hell.

They get sick... But thanks to the grace of the Holy Light, they get well enough to go hit a baseball game. Then get "SICK" again. Conveniently... Before work the next day.

And that's life.

The asshole needed a haircut. And to not look like a fucking dweeb. But otherwise, a normal looking person.

So I listened, and pretended to care.

"Aww man, I'm so sorry to hear that! Hope you get better, okay?"

You can stop talking to me now... Go away please.

Then it evolved into stories about this special blood, that made him immune to diseases.

 "Oh wow, that's amazing! You should get studied." 

I suggested, doing the right thing. And sacrificing himself to cure the world.

Of his retardation.

Unfortunately, anyone that comes into contact with knock-off DeadPool's blood, will also die. Because our man's blood, kills other people's blood.

This is where, things are a little shaky.

The-Jesus-Who-Walks-Among-Us retold the time, he tried giving blood. And while testing the donated blood, doctors discovered that it was compatible with just about any blood type. It also killed any disease or virus, it came into contact with! But it also sucked the nutrients from the other blood cells, which unfortunately, killed them too.

"Wow, you should be famous! You're blood is very special! I'm sure the medical community is clawing at the chance to study it!"

If it was true.

But I guess there are others with the same condition, albeit very rare.

Almost sounds like... A movie. Am I living in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Asshole movie!?

Now, he has some weird bone disease too. And it is being treated by special doctors... Oh and BTW, he actually has a IQ of like a billion.

"Really? So why did you just make that simple mistake just now..."

"Well, I'm so smart, that simple tasks like this... I can't even process. I need complicated, complex issues to really shine. I can use up to 80% of my brain, but it's not active all the time."

"Wow, a simple asshole like me. I must use like what... 2% at most?"

The exclusive team of doctors and researchers treating him are actually all part of his team. Doing a highly experimental procedure to treat Wolverine's condition.

The treatment involves, basically... Cutting through to bone all over the body. Then injecting some chemical on to the bone itself to heal nerve damage.

Bones have nerves?

I'm no doctor. So whatever... Sure, bones have nerves.

"But where are the scars from you being cut up like a fucking turkey, ready for stuffing and baking!?"

Luckily, they have techniques to remove any and all scaring. Which is very, very painful. And also very, very convenient... Because I cannot see anything at all!

Almost like, you're making all this shit up. But what do I know. I'm a plebeian.

Because of the condition. He is in constant, horrible pain. But he learned to control it mentally, by releasing adrenaline on command.

Because of this, he cannot feel normal pain, only past a certain point does it even register.

*Demonstrates*

"Garrrrghhh!"

"Wow that is really cool. You are like a super hero or something."

*Fake Humble Laugh*

"No, I wish. I'm just a normal person."

Hang on, we are not anywhere near being done.

Medications either have the opposite effect, or none at all on our Super Hero. Awesome drugs, such as morphine, would actually AMPLIFY PAIN! 

"I wonder what would happen if you took heroin!"

That pain would probably kill'em.

So when Spider Stud goes to the dentist, he cannot take any of the numbing shots. Or he would have to get stabbed so many times, it would break the legal limit.

Yep totally makes sense, considering what you just told me like two minutes ago. Can you please keep your bullshit straight!?

So he mastered the art of knocking oneself out. Just like shooting yourself in the foot with a poison dart, he can sleep on command. Showing that dentist how it's done... Forget laughing gas, or 12-inch needles, we got X-Bro on the chair.

He is also a master MMA fighter, who belongs to a secret society. 

"So what is it called?"

A secret, secretive secret society... With no name.

How convenient...

Trained in the art... Of the perfected martial art.

Masters of all the various individual styles, came together from all over the world to study and combine their powers.

At the home base, of course.

And together... They created this, perfect style.

Finding each other's weaknesses, and combining their strengths.

The perfected mixed martial art. Our Hero, is a master. 

And he can defeat any... ANY master of the other girly shit, like: Jiu Jitsu, Karate, Judo. You name it, and it will be done.

Is even the mighty C. Norris, not enough? I'm afraid not, if my super powered co-worker has ANYTHING to say about it.

Yet, our humble warrior... Looks nothing like a martial-ed art God of war, not even close. But more, recluse nerd lurking in most basements.

I dunno. Is it some kind of advanced disguise? No. 

It's the art of fucking surprise! What am I thinking, it's fucking genius!

The sole purpose of having such advanced knowledge, is to not flaunt the fact.

Wow, such humbleness, is simply unheard of!

The purpose, is to use your training only when it's absolutely necessary. A true warrior does not go  looking for a fight, he avoids it. Only when left with no other options, is the force released.

Therefore, demonstrating this fighting prowess is very dangerous. Because the only way he knows  how to fight, is all-out. And he cannot guarantee you will walk away unharmed.

Such a humble heroism, and self-awareness that is almost inhuman! I was left speechless! Shaken to my very core, my new idol and mentor. I am humbled.

The secret society's base is a underwater facility swimming in international waters. 

Each member of the team are highly trained and intelligent people, from all over the world.

"So where do you fit into all this?"

The humble Kinja ninja, is apparently, a top-level researcher for the group.

Yet, you're working... For $14 an hour.

"Oh wow, you guys sound like predators! From like, the movie... Predator! So how do you get there?"

And to get there, there is a secret spot where a unmarked plane will come to get you, like in Area 51. 

But the Humble King, chose to live outside the home base, to have a normal life. And away from the support of the secret society. 

"Wow, I totally believe you!"

The base has technology hundreds of years more advanced. Nothing like your current shit, you might have a iPhone XR-9 2.5. But they got the iPhone God XPS-9000.

The Burger King Warrior has an advanced set of armor too, with a HUD built into the helmet.

Like Iron Man!?

With the craziest technology built into it, something from your wildest dreams come to life! But sadly, since our Hero chose to live outside the base, none of it can be taken out.

Or there will be dire consequences?

"Golly gee! What would happen!?"

The result of this insubordination is too great to speak of.

Okay then.

The group has intimate knowledge of just about everything going on in the world, they knew about "cutting-edge" technology years before it was even released.

So more about the base...

If you managed to even find it, getting in is next to impossible.

The base is equipped with bio-metric scanners, that scan you down to your fucking DNA, or something like that.

"Please don't tell me anymore. This is a lot to soak in, let me absorb everything first."

The Seer told me, the more I knew about the truth. The crazier it would seem.

Yes, I'm sure it would.

The Wizard Of Shit, told me all this with a totally serious face. And I walked away thinking, someone is FUCKING bat-shit insane.

This is how cult leaders are made, people... They tell a lie so believably, even when logic is shaking you by the shoulders, screaming!

"Wake the fuck up! Are you really believing this!? Hey!"

*Slap*

*Punch*

*Ball Kick*

Yet it's so crazy, it could be real. Just maybe. What if!?

But then again, your not retarded.

But hey, the asshole can tell a pretty good story.

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