You Are Pretty Fucking Crazy

You ever meet someone who seem pretty normal... At first?

Then they start telling you stories  that seem a little - out there.

But not enough for you to straight up be like,

"Hey, you are pretty fucking crazy."

Then they continue,

And...

Sweet mother of God!

We got ourselves a certified serial-killer/cult-leader/child-rapist/Star Bucks tip-jar-stealer!

A fellow prisoner at work was telling me how he burnt away all his benefits due to a severe case of I-Don't-Give-A-Fuckititis. 

Which wasn't out of the ordinary, people here are lazy as hell.

So I listened, and pretended to care.

"Aww man, I'm so sorry to hear that! Hope you get better, okay?"

You can stop talking to me now.

Then it evolved into stories about this special blood, that made him immune to diseases.

 "Oh wow, that's amazing! You should get studied." 

I suggested, doing the right thing. And sacrificing himself to cure the world.

Of his retardation.

Unfortunately, anyone that comes into contact with the blood will also die. Because our man's blood, kills other people's blood.

The-Jesus-Who-Walks-Among-Us retold the time he tried giving blood. And while testing the donated blood, doctors discovered that it was compatible with just about any blood type. It also killed any disease, or virus it came into contact with! But it sucked the nutrients from the other blood cells, which unfortunately, killed them too.

"Wow, you should be famous! You're blood is very special! I'm sure the medical community is clawing at the chance to study it!"

But I guess there are others with the same condition, albeit very rare.

This almost sounds like... A movie.

Now, he has some weird bone disease too. And it is being treated by special doctors... Oh and BTW, he actually has a IQ of like a billion too.

"Really? So why did you just make that simple mistake just now..."

"Well, I'm so smart, that simple tasks like this... I can't even process. I need complicated, complex issues to really shine. I can use up to 80% of my brain, but it's not active all the time."

"Wow, a simple asshole like me. I must use like what... 2% on a good day?"

The exclusive team of doctors and researchers treating him are all part of his research team. Doing a highly experimental procedure.

The treatment involves cutting through to bone all over the body. Then injecting some chemical on to the bone itself to heal nerve damage.

Bones have nerves? I'm no doctor. So whatever... Sure, bones have nerves.

"But where are the scars from you being cut up like a fucking turkey!?"

Luckily, they have techniques to remove any and all scaring. Which is very, very painful. 

And also very, very convenient... Because I cannot see anything at all!

Almost like, you're making all this shit up.

Because of the condition. He is in constant, horrible pain. But he learned to control it mentally by releasing adrenaline on command.

Because of this, he cannot feel normal pain, only past a certain threshold does it even register.

*Demonstrates*

"Garrrrghhh!"

"Wow that is really cool. You are like a super hero."

*Fake Humble Laugh*

"No, I wish. I'm just a normal person."

Hang on, we are not done.

Medications either have the opposite effect, or none at all on our Hero. Awesome drugs, such as morphine, would actually AMPLIFY PAIN! 
 

"I wonder what would happen if you took heroin!"

That pain would probably kill'em.

Which is not a bad thing.

So when Super Stud goes to the dentist, he cannot take any numbing shots. Or he would have to get so many it would break the legal fucking limit.

So he mastered the art of knocking oneself out. Just like shooting yourself in the foot with a poison dart, or licking a toad, he can sleep on command. Showing that dentist who is boss... Fuck laughing gas, or 12-inch needles, we got bro on the chair.

He is also a veteran MMA fighter, who belongs to a secret society. 

"So what is it called?"

A secret, secretive secret society... With no name.

How convenient...

Trained in the art... Of the perfected martial art.

Masters of all the various individual styles, came together from all over the world to study and combine their powers. At the home base, of course.

Which is secret.

And together... They created this perfect style. Finding each other's weaknesses, and combining their strengths.

He can defeat any... ANY master of the other girly shit, like: Jiu Jitsu, Karate, Judo.

You name it, and it will be done.

Yet, our humble warrior... Looks nothing like a battle-hardened vet, more recluse nerd lurking in mom's basement.

I dunno. Is it some kind of disguise?

The sole purpose of having such advanced knowledge, is to not flaunt the fact.

Wow, such humbleness.

The purpose, is to use your training only when it's absolutely necessary. A true warrior does not go  looking for a fight, he avoids it. Only when left with no other options, is the force released.

Therefore, demonstrating this fighting prowess is very dangerous. Because the only way he knows  how to fight, is all-out. And he cannot guarantee that you will walk away unharmed.

Such a humble heroism, and self-awareness is almost inhuman! I was left speechless! Shaken to my very core, my new idol and mentor. I am humbled.

So I asked about this "secret" base.

The secret society's base is a underwater facility swimming in international waters. 

Each member of the team are highly trained and intelligent people, from all over the world.

"So where do you fit into all this?"

The humble ninja, is apparently, a top-level researcher for the group.

Yet, you're working... For $14 an hour?

"Oh wow, you guys sound like predators! From like, the movie... Predator! So how do you get there?"

And to get there, there is a secret spot where an unmarked plane will come to get you.

But the humble hero chose to live outside the base to have a normal life. And away from the support of the secret society. 

The base has technology hundreds of years more advanced. Nothing like your current shit, you might have a iPhone X. But they got the iPhone God XPS-9000.

The hero has a set of armor with the craziest technology built into it, something from your wildest dreams come to life! But sadly, none of it can be taken out.

Or there will be dire consequences?

"Golly gee! What would happen!?"

The result of this insubordination is too great to speak of.

Okay then.

The group has intimate knowledge of just about everything going on in the world, they knew about "cutting-edge" technology years before it was even released.

So lets talk more about the base...

If you managed to even find it, getting in is next to impossible.

The base is equipped with bio-metric scanners, that scan you down to your fucking DNA, or something like that.

"Please don't tell me anymore. This is a lot to soak in!"

The Seer told me, the more I knew about the truth. The crazier it would seem.

Yes, I'm sure it would.

I walked away  from all this thinking, someone is FUCKING bat-shit insane.

This is how cult leaders are made, people... They tell a lie so believably, even when logic is shaking you by the shoulders, screaming!

*Slap*

*Punch*

*Ball Kick*

Yet it's so crazy, it could be real. Just maybe. What if!?

But then again, your not retarded.

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