I Got Alcohol Poisoning


I don't know if I got WAY too fucking drunk, or if someone tried to date-rape-drug rape me. But it happened... And this has never happened before.

But it did.

I feel so violated.

I don't know if I can talk about this, without my safe space.

There we were, huddled around a bottle at Fairy's house: me, Dumb Ass, Fairy (obviously), the GF, and Jen. Two girls. One was family, and the other is... You know... Girlfriend.

I got off work, we united, then sat around listening to Dumb Ass awkwardly hit on my niece.

Shots please!

Ah, nothing like Kirkland Signature whiskey.

I swear, Costco is going to take over the world. And I will welcome my new wholesale overlord. You can charge membership fees all day, everyday. And I will pay it. No problem!

Strangely the drinks didn't go down that well.

You know how, sometimes, you get that reflex as soon as the shit hits your throat? Those were some rough shots. But I stuck it out, nothing can derail this party-train.

"Alrighty, everyone ready!? Lets hit the bar!"

We made it to the bar, and what's this?

"What's this!? A line!? For the bar!?"

Someone blurts back,

"Yeah, what the hell!?"

Dumb Ass spits back,

"I wanna go party!"



"Dude, fuck the line! Lets go! I'mma lead this charge! Dumb Ass, Fairy... Y'all follow me!"

So we waited in line.

All while, some skinny bitch and her cuck were yapping behind me, loudly. I wanted to slap the fuck out of them. Some people just think they're so cool, and whatever they're saying is the shit. But its NOT.

Once inside the damn place, I realize, the music sucked! But with enough shots, anything will sound good. So I ordered a round for my fellas, and some for the ladies too.

We stood around, awkwardly sipping our drinks until,

"Hey look! An open table!"

We all rushed over like a bunch of ants trying to get a sugar cube.

Fairy points at a random drink left on the table,

"Hey guys, look! Someone left us a drink."

"Hey Fairy, have a sip, bro!"

Fairy pushes the drink over to Dumb Ass.

"Here man, this is for you."

The girls were trying to talk Dumb Ass out of drinking it. But... Too late.

"Mmmm, its not bad!"

"Whoa, let me give that a sip."

I grab the mysterious drink and gave it a sophisticated, pinky-out sip.

"It tastes like, vodka soda? Not bad!"

So lesson is... If you ever want to kill us. Just leave a random drink on the table, and we will drink it for you. You don't even need to get up, we will do the work for you!

2 out 3, ain't that bad. Right?

Thinking back, I wonder if there actually was something in that drink. Maybe all the date-rape shit sat on top, cause I sipped it without using the conveniently placed straw. Yet again, Dumb Ass downed the whole thing, while I just had a sip.

Who knows.

Several shots later, I was feeling pretty lit. Yet fine, yet strangely sober.

Now let me all give you all a life lesson. If you're drinking, and you suddenly sober up, then you react to this new found soberness by chugging away even more The next phase is not good, as you will see.

Oh look, Fairy bought me a shot of Hen and a beer.

Down the hatch!

Now I was feeling pretty fucking good, the music sounded better, the bitches looked better, I felt my dance moves getting better... It did, until it didn't. Suddenly, it all hit me.

All I can remember is:

1. Passionately making out with the girlfriend, I'm pretty sure I still have some nose hair stuck in my teeth.

2. Fairy staring with a highly-satisfied smile.

3. Grinding on her fat ass.

4. Some stupid friends showing up, and buying us a pitcher.

5. I went to the bathroom.

6. Someone screaming at me, saying two of us can't go in at the same time. Blah, blah, blah.

7. The security lady telling me I gotta go.

8. Me, chugging the beer those assholes brought.

9. The security lady coming over again, telling me I REALLY got to go.

Then walking out with the GF around one arm, and Jen on the other. It was safe to say, my night was pretty lit.

And I signed like a $200 tip. But my fam corrected the mistake.

We made it to the car, but we couldn't get in! Fairy had the keys, and the asshole was still inside trying to pick up chicks.

Fairy was busy giving away MY beer to random chicks, and still trying to score them digits.

While I was dying of alcohol poisoning outside. I couldn't open my eyes because everything spun too fast.

I'm going downhill, and fast.

After waiting for who knows how long, someone ran back in to get that old, perverted asshole.

Finally in the car, we made our way to Jack In The Box. Some serious sobering up is needed, until something else hit me.

I gotta throw up!

I just happen to be situated between Dumb Ass and the GF, lucky for me, because I would have  jumped out of the car.

"Dumb Ass, get out."

"No, I can't!"

"Seriously, get out!"

"The car is still in motion, I can't get out!"

"Get the fuck out!"

My niece, who was the least drunk out of all us, is was the designated Uber. We made it to the Jack In The Box, but we had to pull off to the side so I can puke.

I pushed Dumb Ass out of my fucking way! Jumping from the car, I ran to a nearby bush.

I can barely see, but I made it to my foliage savior. I puked out who knows what, but I'm pretty sure it was that beer I just chugged.

I look up...

"Oh shit."

I see a line of cars.

"What the fuck!? Where am I?"

I had chosen the busiest bush in the world to projectile vomit into. I was in the parking lot, so I had the right idea, it was just poor execution.

There was this skinny, little island with stubs in it.

And... I chose to puke there. Right in front of everyone.

Drunk people looking to get some delicious, greasy junk food. Instead, they all got to witness me throwing up delicious alcohol into the ground. Very expensive and overpriced alcohol. Fuck bars and $20 (plus tip) Hennessy shots! Anyways... Sorry to ruin your appetite, assholes!

Realizing my mistake, I ran to an abandoned car wash next door. I found the back, where there was this dark, grassy, hilly area. Perfect for puking my guts out! And falling into a nest of syringes and shit.

Hopefully, this can be the spot where I can comfortably die. Because I could not stop throwing up.

The GF was there, stuck to my side. I kept telling her to go away, but she wouldn't leave.

"Just let me die alone, I will be fine!"



Normally after the first couple rounds, I'm good, since the alcohol is out. But this time was different, no matter how much I threw up, I couldn't get sober.

And the puking wouldn't go away.

That was when I realized... This was not going to end well.

Annndddd I have work tomorrow. My life is gonna suck, and I'm probably gonna get in trouble at work, which will suck extra.

While I was there evacuating my stomach, and then my stomach itself. My niece had frantically driven to Walgreens to find me a cure.

What did she end up buying? Water and Gatorade.

None which I drank.

Because I'm pretty sure it would have all gone right back up.

Back at the car-wash again, The GF needed to pee and so did I.

"Let's just do it!"

She took a squat, I pulled my pants down, and we pissed everywhere together. It was super romantic. Then I went right back to puking.

In the meantime, Dumb Ass was in the car with my niece trying to strike up a conversation.

"So... How as was your night!?"

"Well, my uncle is dying, fairy is nowhere to be seen. and I'm stuck here with you!"

Fairy also had a full bladder so he ran off to go pee somewhere. That was quite some time ago.

And now, no one can find him.

We were at Jack In The Box, so it wasn't like we got split up in the Mall Of America. Somehow, we lost someone.

It was a movie-worthy mess.

It was getting late now, and my niece had finally recovered the team.

But I couldn't kick the sick feeling, and the dizziness... Oh God, the dizziness.

Everyone was trying to go home, but I needed to make sure I wasn't gonna puke in the car.

"Okay I think I'm ready."

We were back in business! Nothing is better than those greasy, crunchy tacos when you're fucked up! We got back in line, determined to chow down on same tacos.

My niece's jerky driving... It made the puking come back with a vengeance. And I couldn't hold it in any longer!

"Oh shit!"

I kicked the door open, and ran back to my spot.

I was getting pretty tired of throwing up. I mean, its nice to see your stomach, all flat and shit, the next day. But really, it can fuck off now.

Everyone had received their share of greasy loot, they were ready to go chow down. But I was holding everyone up.

"Okay fuck lets just do it! Take me home!"

I got back in the car, and fucking finally, someone was smart enough to snag me a bag. So I tied that shit around my face, and went to sleep on Dumb Ass.

We are back at Fairy's place.

The moment I opened my eyes, it all came back. So we all stumbled inside, and I ran right to the bathroom.

This must be karma, it has to be, because I was making fun of  Dumb Ass for puking into the exact same toilet a while ago.

And now, it is my turn.

The girlfriend was sitting there, snapping pictures and recording me in my moment of weakness. Any dignity I had left is pretty much gone now... So my final wish, was to die in peace.

I tried to shoo her out, she was sitting on the edge of the tub.

When suddenly, I heard a huge crash! I look over to see my girlfriend's legs sticking out of the bathtub, kicking back and forth. The rest of her was covered by the shower curtain.

Meanwhile outside...

Fairy noticed the commotion.

"What the hell was that!?"

Dumb Ass made a crucial remark.

"Maybe Leo wanted to fuck his girlfriend."

Fairy suddenly forgets me destroying the bathroom,

"Hey you know what, Jen? If I was 20 years younger, I'd totally date you."

"Uh, yeah. That's nice. Thank you."

Dumb Ass, never to let anyone out creeper a girl, piped in...

"I love you for buying these tacos! Are you interested in me? Cause I'm interested in you!"


"Can I get your phone number please?"


I look up from the toilet bowl, and saw the girlfriend. She looked just like a stuck turtle, it was funny as hell. But I was so dizzy, I couldn't do anything except stick my head back in the toilet.

Guess that's what you get for filming me!

My niece ran into the bathroom, shielding herself from the onslaught of desperation, and rescued my GF.

And the night ends with me coming home, puking some more, passing out... And still making it to work, ON TIME!

And that's a wrap!

Don't do drugs, kids.


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