I Got Alcohol Poisoning

Dudes...

I don't know if I got WAY too fucking drunk, or if someone tried to date-rape-drug rape me. But it happened... And this has never happened before.

But it did.

I feel so violated.

I don't know if I can talk about this, without my safe space.

There we were, huddled around a bottle at Fairy's house: me, Dumb Ass, Fairy (obviously), the GF, and Jen.

Two girls. One was family, and the other is... You know... Girlfriend.

I got off work, we united, then sat around listening to Dumb Ass awkwardly hit on my niece.

Shots please!

Ah, nothing like Kirkland Signature whiskey.

I swear, Costco is going to take over the world. And I will welcome my new wholesale overlord. You can charge me membership fees for everything. And I will pay!

Odd... The drinks didn't go down that well.

You know how sometimes... You get that "I'm gonna puke everywhere" reflex as soon as the shit hits your throat? Yeah... Those were some rough shots. But I stuck it out, nothing can derail this party-train.

"Alrighty, everybody ready!? Lets hit the bar!"

We made it to the bar, and what's this?

"What's this!? A line!? For the bar!?"

Someone blurts back,

"Yeah, what the hell!?"

Dumb Ass spits back,

"I wanna go party!"

"Yeah!"

"YEAH!"

So I take the lead,

"Dude, fuck the line! Lets go! I'mma lead this charge! Dumb Ass, Fairy... Y'all follow me!"

So we waited in line.

All while, some skinny bitch and her cuck were yapping behind me, loudly. I wanted to slap the fuck out of them. Some people just think they're so cool, and whatever they're saying is the shit. But its NOT.

Once inside the damn place, I realize the music sucked! But with enough shots, anything will sound good.

"Hey Dumb Ass, you might want to buy these girls some shots. And I'm talking the strong shit too. They'll need it, so you will look better!"

"Fuck you, Leo."

So I ordered a round for my fellas, and some for the ladies too.

We stood around, awkwardly sipping our drinks until,

"Hey look! An open table!"

We all rushed over like a bunch of ants on a sugar cube.

Fairy points to a random drink on the table,

"Hey guys, look! Someone left us a drink."

So I say,


"Hey Fairy, have a sip, bro!"

Fairy pushes the drink over to Dumb Ass.

"Here man, this is for you."

The girls were trying to talk Dumb Ass out of drinking it. But... Too late.

"Mmmm, its not bad!"

"Whoa, let me give that a sip."

I grab the mysterious drink and gave it a sophisticated, pinky-out sip.

"It tastes like, vodka soda? Not bad!"

So lesson is... If you ever want to kill us. Just leave a random drink on the table, and we will drink it. You don't even need to get up, we will do the work for you!

2 out 3, ain't that bad. Right?

Fairy is the biggest one out of all us, but with two of us out, it'll be easy to finish us off.

Thinking back, I wonder if there actually was something in that drink. Maybe all the date-rape shit sat on top, cause I sipped it without using the conveniently placed straw.

Yet again, Dumb Ass downed the whole thing, while I just had a sip.

Who knows.

Several shots later, I was feeling pretty lit. Yet fine... And strangely sober.

Time for a quick life lesson, with Leo. 

If you suddenly sober up...

When you should have been shit-faced drunk. That is one of life's many ironic-flag going up, trying to tell you that it might be time to take that break.

End life lesson.

Oh look, Fairy bought me a shot of Hen and a beer.

Down the hatch!

Now I was feeling pretty fucking good, the music sounded better, the bitches looked better, I felt my dance moves getting better...

Until it didn't.

Suddenly, it all hit me. All I can remember is:

1. Passionately making out with the girlfriend, I'm pretty sure I still have some nose hair stuck in my teeth.

2. Fairy staring at us, with a highly-satisfied smile.

3. Me, grinding her fat ass.

4. Some stupid friends showing up, and buying us a pitcher.

5. I went to the bathroom.

6. Someone screaming at me, saying the two of us can't go in at the same time. Blah, blah, blah.

7. The security lady telling me I gotta go.

8. Me, chugging the beer those assholes brought.

9. The security lady coming over again, telling me I REALLY got to go.

Then walking out with the GF around one arm, and Jen on the other. It was safe to say, my night was pretty lit.

And I signed like a $200 tip. But my fam corrected the mistake.

We made it to the car... It was locked tight... Fairy had the keys, and the asshole was still inside trying to pick up chicks.

I couldn't open my eyes, everything spun too fast.

I'm going downhill... Quick.

After waiting for who knows how long, someone ran back to get that old, perverted asshole.

We hustled to Jack In The Box. Some serious sobering up is needed, this is a life or death situation here!

Uh oh.

I gotta throw up!

I was situated between Dumb Ass and the girlfriend, lucky for me. Because I would have just jumped out of the car.

"Dumb Ass, get out."

"No, I can't!"

"Seriously, get out!"

"The car is still in motion, I can't get out!"

"Get the fuck out!"

My niece, who was the least drunk, is the designated Uber.

As soon as we fucking stopped... I pushed Dumb Ass out of my fucking way, jumped from the car, and ran to a nearby bush.

I look up from my foliage... And.

"Oh shit."

I see a line of cars.

"What the fuck!? Where am I?"

I could not have chosen a worst bush to projectile vomit into. I was in the parking lot, so I had the right idea.

But I chose to puke there, in front of everyone. Right next to the drive-thru. And right next to my drunk comrades, just looking to get some greasy junk food.

Too bad.

Realizing my mistake, I ran to an abandoned car wash next door. I found the back, where there was this dark, grassy, hilly area. 

Perfect for puking my brains out! Then falling into a nest of syringes and human shit.

Hopefully, this can be the spot where I can comfortably die.
 
The GF was there, stuck to my side. I kept telling her to go away, but she wouldn't leave.

"Just let me die alone, I will be fine!"

"NO!"

"Blurrrrghhhhhhh!"

No matter how much I threw up, I couldn't get sober.

That was when I realized... This was not going to end well. Annndddd I have work tomorrow. My life is gonna suck...

The GF needed to pee and so did I. She looked at me, and I looked at her,

"Just do it!"

-Nike

She took a squat, and I pulled my pants down. Together, we pissed on some homeless person's hideout, it was very romantic.

Then I went right back to puking.

In the meantime, Dumb Ass was in the car trying to strike up a conversation.

"So... How as was your night!?"

"Well, my uncle is dying, fairy is nowhere to be found... And I'm stuck here with you! So I'm doing great."

"Cool, so are you single?"

Fairy also ran off to go pee somewhere. Annddd now, no one can find him.

Everyone was trying to get home, but I was glued to that carwash. It was getting late... But I couldn't kick that sick feeling, and the dizziness... Oh God, the dizziness.

"Okay, I think I'm ready. Lets try it."

We're back in business! Let's go get those fucking tacos.

My niece's jerky driving made the puking come back with a vengeance. And I couldn't hold it in any longer!

"Oh shit!"

I kicked the door open, and ran back to my spot.

Here we go again...

I was getting pretty tired of throwing up. I mean, its nice to see your stomach, all flat the next day. But really, it can fuck off now.

I got back in the car, and fucking finally, someone was smart enough to snag me a bag. So I tied that shit around my face, then went to sleep on Dumb Ass.

The moment I opened my eyes, it all came back. We were back at Fairy's place, I stumbled inside and ran straight for the bathroom.

This must be karma, it has to be... Because I made fun of Dumb Ass a few months ago for puking into the exact same toilet.

The girlfriend was sitting there, snapping pictures and recording my moment of weakness. Any dignity I had left is pretty much gone.

I tried to shoo her out, as she sat on the edge of the tub.

Suddenly, I there was a huge crash! I look over to see my girlfriend's legs sticking out of the bathtub, kicking back and forth. The rest of her was covered by the shower curtain.

Meanwhile outside...

Fairy noticed the commotion.

"What the hell was that!?"

Dumb Ass says,

"Maybe Leo wanted to fuck."

Fairy turns to my niece.

"Hey you know what, Jen? If I was 20 years younger, I'd totally date you."

Never one to let anyone out creeper a girl, Dumb Ass pipes in...

"I love you for buying these tacos! I actually... Really love you. Are you interested in me? Cause I'm interested in you!"

"Uhhhh......"

"Can I get your phone number please?"

"No."

I looked up from the toilet bowl. She looked just like a stuck turtle, it was funny as hell. So I stuck my head back in the toilet.

That's what you get for filming me!

My niece ran into the bathroom, shielding herself from the onslaught of desperation, and rescued my GF.

Saving all of you from more boring shit.

My night ends with more puking, wishing I was dead... And the next day, I made it to work ON TIME! Bawsssss!

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