Pissing Off Every Girl

I have a friend who I will call Dumb Ass.

Dumb Ass, has a very special ability. The ability to piss of any girl in record time, every time. Like seriously, in another friend's own words...

"I have never met anyone who can get under a girls skin and just piss her the fuck off, as well as you."

So the three of us went out, just to have a good time.

As usual, Dumb Ass looks like a slob. I even told him myself,

"Clean your fucking shit up. Stop dressing like a homeless tweaker."

But nope. It is going to be the, "I'm not going to listen to anyone, and die a virgin" trajectory for this asshole.

We were sitting at a table, drinking...  Watching the white girls try to dance. And the subsequent randoms with their confidence boost from that hipster IPA, all getting in line to try the same line.

Makes me think back to when I was single.

Did I look that pathetic? 😓

Then Dumb Ass runs off, to chat up the HOTTEST chick in the place. Grossly misplaced confidence is not just a Tinder girl exclusive trait, anyone can have it!

I have never met anyone with such a fearless, delusional, and over-the-top confidence.

So after getting shut down, he slumps back to the table.

"So what did you say to her!?"

"Oh, I just asked her about her phone."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, I asked her if she had the new iPhone, and she said yes. Then I asked her about the new features, and what she liked about them."

"You walked up to the hottest girl, to ask her about her phone!?"

"Yep."

So we sat around and bullshit some more.

Ashamed, yet proud at the same time. It was a weird mix of emotion. Maybe it's from my chasing of Patron with beer, all night that night. Who knows.

After a while, we see this older chick who looks kinda like a barista.

"Hey look, that girl in front of us. She looks like, she just got out from Starbucks!"

"Oh yeah, you're kind of right!"

So Dumb Ass ran off to talk to our Starbucks M.I.L.F.

I was feeling proud, all those times I've seen Dumb Ass fuck EVERYTHING up. Maybe this will be the time it finally happens.

While we waited for the good (but most likely bad) news. I look over at our Starbucks lady and I can't gauge whether things are good or bad. But she does look pretty good! Probably mid-thirties, good body, nice skin... Not bad at all! Obviously too good for Dumb Ass, maybe she will toss out some pity sex. Even a pity hug will do.

Dumb Ass runs back.

"So how'd it go!?"

"Oh, she wasn't interested."

I look back, and she was coming over in high-bitch gear. You know when a girl has that crazy look? That wide-eyed, crazy smile?

She immediately went off,

"Blah, blah, blah. I am not drunk okay!? Why did you walk away, you wanted to dance right?"

Dumb ass mumbles something back. But I stop the shit show,

"You idiot, she is asking if you wanted a fucking dance."

"Oh really!? Sure!"

She shot back.

"No it's too late okay? Blah, blah, blah... I know what you were all fucking saying. Blah, blah, blah, I can read your lips."

She looked like she was about to attack all three of us.

Dumb Ass has gone done it again.

When she finally fucking left us alone, but still angrily looking back at us every couple minutes like we just killed her cat.

"What the fuck did you say?"

"Oh, we just had a conversation."

"No, you did not just fucking "have a conversion" bro. You pissed her the fuck off. What did you say?"

"I asked her how her day was, and if she wanted a dance. But she said she wasn't interested, so I ran back."

"Bull-fucking-shit! That reaction was not you asking her "how her day was". You insulted her. How many times did we tell you not to say stupid shit!"

"I can't change okay!? I am, who I am."

"It's not hard, just don't say stupid shit!"

"I'm sorry but that's who I am!"

"You're gonna be a dumb shit the rest of your life!?"

You know when someone is at the full mental capacity, and you're trying to help them, but the ability is just not there!? 

You'll figure it out one day, Dumb Ass. You will. Or maybe you never will and end up dying a virgin... at least you'll go straight to heaven!

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