Cottage Cheese

Alcohol has made me do some pretty... Shameful stuff. But nothing has given me more regret about my life choices, than this one time.

I look back at those fond memories with a... Very sad feeling. The same feeling you would get if you had sex with a sheep out of desperation.

That night I had a little too much to drink. And while driving home (no Uber, because I'm a bad-ass), I noticed something.

My wiener was a little horny.

"Hey, wassup little guy? You hungry?"

There was this escort near me, that I used to see.

I paid for her services way too many times to count, with each time pulling out my best moves. Eventually I broke through the "this is strictly business" bullshit. I mean really, that's what they all say.

If you got enough game, you can fuck any girl for free.

Whether it be hookers, strippers, or your friend's sisters. The world is your oyster, you just need to know how to eat it.

So we began spending more time together.

Just as I had planned. Muah. Mwahah. MWAHAhahahahahhah!

It all began with her being cool that I was staying well-past my time. Then staying the night... Booking a "session" without paying. Long story short, we were now fucking for free.

And tonight felt like that night.

I gave her a call.

"Hey do you want to hang out?"

And that was it.

I showed up at the apartment, she was already in bed. Pretending to not want a good fucking... Silly goose, did you think I was born yesterday.

I got on top, then took her clothes off.

Then she said to me,

"Are you going to have sex with a girl, and have onion breath?"

Wait... What?

"Onions?"

Me? Onion breath? No way... Never.

*Checks Breath*

That damn burger...

I run to the bathroom and steal some mouth wash, but what I found left me quite confused.

It wasn't some crazy sex toy on the wall. It was this fancy 2-in-1 type mouthwash... It was a little too fancy.

I poured the mixture into the cap, and two colored liquids came out. This is gonna be good, you can tell by the colors... We are about to swish some industrial-grade shit.

There we go, clean as a whistle. I was pussy eating fresh.

I didn't know what it was, but shit worked pretty well. I was used to swishing that poverty-grade, bright blue, and purple stuff. The generics you can buy for $2.99, or $.69 if you sign up for our totally awesome rewards program!

I hop back in bed, and redo my seduction. Kiss here, kiss there, quickly caress her body... Hurry up and get turned on already!

"How is my breath now?"

*Breathes On Her Face*


"Fresh."

I was feeling generous. So generous, in fact, she will get hers before I get mine. So I slide down and got to work.

Things were going pretty good. My tongue's tired and my neck's sore. How long have I been under...? A whole 2 minutes. 

Now if only she would hurry up and cum already... Then I notice something on my tongue.

I pause.

I picked the something out of my tongue, and took a gander... What the? It's like a tiny white ball... Okay? Maybe it was just a stray piece of dirt.

I got back in, but I kept noticing little pieces of...?

Through the drunken haze, I finally realized what I was eating... Fucking damn cottage cheese! 

What to do.

I moved my tongue to a safe position, then stalled while I ran through all the scenarios.

Scenario 1:

I continue eating cottage cheese, and hope she finishes before I puke. Then have wild-donkey sex. When I'm satisfied, get the fuck outta there and rinse my body in detergent. Never eat that pussy again!

Scenario 2:

Stop eating that cheese factory, angrily fuck her cheese hole, then get the fuck out! Finish by rinsing my mouth out with fire, and crying in the bathroom.

Scenario 3:

Puke everywhere.

So what did I do?

I wiped her cheese away using one of her towels, finished licking that pussy, then cuddled together...

I know... I'm weak. But blame it on the Hennessy, it wasn't me! I swear if I was sober, that would have never happened. No way. Nuh-uh. Never.

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