Tall Cambo The Wife Beater

Life really IS mysterious.

And like life. alcohol works in mysterious ways. One second, they looking pretty normal. The next, they're choking their wife.

The gang congregated at Tall Cambo's house. And tonight was not gonna end well... For me.

As you know from my other stories. Tall Cambo likes to drink, then force everyone around him to drink... Until you're puking some intestine on to the floor.

So coming over his home is a bad idea. A really... Bad... Idea.

I called an Uber, trying to be responsibly not-responsible. But I should have just drove, because of this.

"Hey wassup Uber bro, I have a question. So I'm going to a party, is it okay if I brought a 24-pack with me?"

"Hey, thank you for letting me know and for being upfront."

Alright! Sounds like we got this in the bag!

"But it is against my religion to transport alcohol."

Wut?

"What? So that means... You won't drive me, if I brought this sinful 24-pack of panty-dropping-titty-poppers?"

And that's exactly what it means.

*Cancel*

*Request New Uber*

"Heyo! Golly gee! Well, look at that! The system paired you up with me again!"

I was not amused.

So I have to pay $10, in fucking cancellation fees now!?

Fuck Uber! Fuck everyone! And fuck this guy! Better not be messing with me to get free cancellation fees.

Lucky for me, the driver cancelled. So let's try this again.

"Hey, can I bring some fucking alcohol?"

"👍"

We got a thumbs up!

So I made it to the party, got inside, and took a little stroll...

Everyone had already gone done fucked up... Skinny Cambo was passed out on the couch, with Dumb Ass next to him, and Tall Cambo was stumbling around the back while surrounded by mosquitoes.

And holy shit. The mosquitoes!

They were everywhere, and they were hungry. Very hungry.

This must be the end of times, because these can't be normal mosquitoes. And there was an apocalyptic amount of them flying around that asshole.

Mosquitoes are supposed to be small, and perfectly sized for maximum smack-ability. But these fuckers were the size of a dime, and quickly approaching the "run away like a bitch on-sight" territory.

The small ones, I already don't like. So I sure as hell do not want my blood sucked by these.

And you could feel every bite. And it felt good, just like, if someone was running around gently stabbing you with a thumb tack... Yummy.

I wanted to run to the Home Depot, and build myself a flame-thrower. I'm taking down these mosquitoes, along with anything and anyone around me... And it's gonna be - Hot.

I went out back to give Tall Cambo the case of beer. The moment I opened the door, I was surrounded by a cloud of fun.

"Hey, you guys wanna go inside?"

"Nah, we guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuud!"

"Dude, you're getting eaten alive by mosquitoes. You're all gonna die from blood loss, like seriously. If it's not that, then we're all gonna die from malaria... Or HIV... Or your cooking... But we will for sure, die from your driving."

"Bahah... Fuck you, Leo."

I went back inside.

Hey look, the fool's wife and her younger sister are here. Perfect... Mwhahahahahahahahahaha! Did I just evil laugh out loud?

"I'm not crazy, I swear."

So it was me, Skinny Cambo, and Dumb Ass. We're all hanging out with the ladies inside, ogling over some ass and titties. Because why not. The Younger Sister just turned 18, and she had on a pair of short-shorts with a crop-top.

It feels just like high school again.

Lets see...

Attitude?

Check.

Piercings?

Check.

Bitchy level?

Off the charts!

Tattoos?

Not sure. But most likely, yes.
Tits N' Ass?

Oh yeahhh!

Judging by the first 30 minutes of our interaction. I can already tell, she got a bright future - As a stripper!

These kids growing up, they need to really stop looking up to Nicki Minaj, and Cardi B for inspiration. But it's too late for her.

So we ended up just sitting around. Watching Dumb Ass pull moves on someone way too young for him. Or at least, tried to.

I couldn't watch any longer because everything was just so cringe. I might actually burst a fucking eyeball vein if I kept watching.

We took shots, and killed mosquitoes.

We tried fighting back against the onslaught, but they just kept on coming.

Tall Cambo got really fucked by this point, so we had to carry his ass back inside. Before all that's left of him is a red puddle, and Remy Martin. Not that I really mind, I mean, mosquitoes gotta eat too. Right?

"Can we just leave him outside for the mosquitoes to eat?"

"No, we can't"

"Come on... Mosquito lives matter."

My black friend was not amused by my attempt at being funny.

"..."

"Okay lets go get his fat ass."

It took two people, but even that wasn't enough because this guy was heavy as fuck!

We struggled from the back yard, all the way inside the house.

Okay, done!

I got that fool off me!

I passed the torch over to Skinny Cambo, it was his turn to one for the team. Skinny Cambo took the Tall Cambo to his room, while I was hunting down some food.

I was in the kitchen, eating a random pizza I found and sipping some Hen.

All of a sudden, Skinny Cambo runs out screaming that Tall Cambo just choked him.

"Tall Cambo was just playing around."

"No dude, he choked me!"

"I'm eating pizza, go away."

Then I heard screaming, and slapping sounds.

"The fuck?"

I walked down the hallway, and into Tall Cambo's room. What I saw, after pushing that slightly cracked door open, was simply...

Whoa.

There was quite a commotion behind that door.

Tall Cambo had one hand firmly around his wife's throat... Just busy choking his wife. While sneaking in punches aimed at the Younger Sister.

The Younger Sister was all up in there. Trying to act gangster, she kept saying she was gonna kick some ass... Knock someone out...

The scene was just too comedic.

Suuuuuuuuuuure!

It's like, yeah... Your 100 pound, girly ass is gonna win a punching match again someone over twice your size.

So I pulled her out before she got choked too. Then went back in for the wife.

"No! All you guys get out."

"But!"

"No, don't worry, I got this. Everyone just get out!"

It was truly, a confusing moment.

In any other situation... I'd just throw punches, shout some profanities, then ask questions later. But what to do, when one of your buddies is on the receiving end of that fist?

I froze up.

And got out.

Now when life throws you perplexing situations, like this. I prefer to think about it over some shots! So I went back and poured myself another glass.

Occasionally checking in on the wife to see if she's still alive.

Meanwhile, the Younger Sister was just doing her thing. And some old guy at the party, was trying to calm her down.

"Don't tell me how to fucking feel!"

"Just calm down."

"NO! My sister was getting beat!"

"Yeah I know, just calm down."

"NoOoOoOo!"

I just sat there and watched, sipping on my Hen.

Why was she even worried? There were 5 grown-ass men there. It wouldn't take much to handle a drunk Tall Cambo.

The wife came out a while later.

I had a chance to chat with her, just for a few minutes. Tall Cambo's wife-y is actually pretty damn cool! Mature, strong, and very pleasing on the eyes. You could tell she ain't no girl, but a grown woman.

All very excellent qualities.

"Holy shit, that was crazy! Are you okay? Does that happen a lot!?"

"Yeah it is pretty normal."

"Normal!?"

"Don't worry, he wouldn't hurt me. If he did, I'd call the cops."

"Meh, true."

I wasn't even buzzed! But it seems like the party was pretty much over.

"Dudes, its only 11PM. Do we got to go home now? You guys wanna go somewhere after this?"

The wife pipes in,

"No, you guys feel free to stay! I'll even have a shot with you!"

I knew exactly what this meant, the party is back on! We got some music going, and I refilled everyone's shot glasses!

The night might actually be okay.

The Younger Sister saw Dumb Ass, as he was delicately smacking mosquitoes with a rolled up piece of paper,

"You hit like a little bitch."

"Hey!"

Then she walks over and smacks them with her bare-hands.

"Damn, Dumb Ass! She's more man than you! Maybe you should ask her to teach you how to get laid."

"Hey! Fuck you, Leo!"

We were having a pretty good time. Then Tall Cambo stumbles out,

"Hey! Finally your ass is sober! Come join us!"

But Tall Cambo wasn't out of that drunken rage mode yet, he punches the wall, then tells everyone to get the fuck out of his house.

"Oooookay! Let's get the hell out of here."

I pack everything up, finished my shot, then grabbed my cup of noodles. Don't want to let any food go to waste, ya know!?

Skinny Cambo goes out first, with Tall Cambo punching the wall behind him.

Then I leave after,

"Good night guys, thanks for having me over."

"Get out, Leo!"

I see Skinny Cambo in the driveway, he looks a little shaken. Even tearing up a little bit! 😂

"You good, man?"

"Yeah I'm okay. We're never coming back to his house again."

But Dumb Ass was nowhere to be seen. So I ask,

"Where the fuck is Dumb Ass?"

"I dunno."

I got back inside, and the mother fucker lost his shoes... He was stumbling around the house trying to find his shoes, with a very angry Tall Cambo looming over him. 😡

Then Tall Cambo punches a picture, causing it to fall and spray glass everywhere.

"Dumb Ass, what the fuck are you doing!?"

"I can't find my shoes!"

"How the hell do you lose your shoes? It's either the front door, or the back door? Where the fuck did you leave it?!"

"I dunno!"

I swear, if anything were to happen. Dumb Ass would be the first to die, no doubt about that.

I go back outside, and wait.

"Did he die?"

"Yeah probably."

I go back inside to find the ladies again.

"Where the hell is Dumb Ass?"

"He is in the bathroom."

"What!? Is he taking a shit!?"

"Yeah..."

Welp... Rest in piece Dumb Ass

Dumb Ass was smart enough to park directly behind us, so we couldn't leave without him. Guess we gotta stay and wait... Either for him to come out, or drag his dead body out and steal the keys.

Dumb Ass cowers outside, after finishing his shit.

"Dude... Dumb Ass... I don't even know where to start..."

"Lets just go home."

"Good idea."

And that was when we all discovered, Tall Cambo was a wife beater. And Dumb Ass is STILL a fucking idiot.

Here is a lesson kids, if you can't handle your alcohol. Put the fucking bottle away...

Fin.

Comments

The Most Popular:

Pissing Off Every Girl

I Got Alcohol Poisoning

Hey Lookout Behind You

The People Of Reddit