Tall Cambo The Wife Beater

Life really IS mysterious.

And like life, alcohol works in mysterious ways. One second, they're looking pretty normal... The next, they're choking their wife.

The gang congregated at Tall Cambo's house. And tonight was not gonna end well... For me.

As you know from my other stories - Tall Cambo likes to drink. Then force everyone around him to drink... Until you're puking intestines on to the floor.

So coming over his home is a bad idea. A really... Bad... Idea.

I called an Uber, trying to be responsibly not-responsible. But I should have just drove, because of this.

"Hey wassup Uber bro, I have a question. So I'm going to a party, is it okay if I brought a 24-pack with me?"

"Hey, thank you for letting me know and for being upfront."

Alright! Sounds like we got this in the bag!

"But it is against my religion to transport alcohol."

Wut?

"What? So that means you won't drive me, if I brought this sinful 24-pack of panty-dropping-titty-poppers?"

And that's exactly what it meant.

*Cancel*

*Request New Uber*

And the same driver accepts my request, again.

"Heyo! Golly gee! Well, look at that! The system paired you up with me again!"

I was not amused.

So I have to pay $10 in fucking cancellation fees now!?

Fuck Uber! Fuck everyone! And fuck this guy!

Luckily for me, the driver cancelled. So let's try this again.

*Requests Uber*

"Hey, can I bring some fucking alcohol?"

"👍"

We got a thumbs up!

So I made it to the party, got inside, and took a little stroll...

Everyone had already gone done fucked up... Skinny Cambo was passed out on the couch with Dumb Ass, and Tall Cambo was stumbling around the back surrounded by mosquitoes.

And holy shit. The mosquitoes!

They were everywhere, and they were hungry... Very hungry.

This must be the end of times, because these can't be normal mosquitoes. They were too damn big! And there was an apocalyptic amount of them flying around that asshole.

Mosquitoes are supposed to be small and perfectly sized, for maximum smack-ability. But these fuckers were the size of a dime, and quickly approaching the "run away like a little bitch" territory.

The small ones, I already don't like... So I sure as hell do not want my blood sucked by THAT.

And you could feel every bite. And it feels good too, just like if someone was gently stabbing me with a thumb tack.

I went out back to give Tall Cambo the beer. The moment I opened that door, I was surrounded!

"Hey, you guys wanna go inside?"

"Nah, we guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuud!"

"Dude, you're getting eaten alive by fucking mosquitoes. You're all gonna die! Actually... Never mind, you'd kill us all with your driving anyway. So what's a little malaria or HIV? Amiright!?"

"Bahah... Fuck you, Leo."

I went back inside.

Hey look, that fool's wife and the younger sister are here. Perfect.

So it was me, Skinny Cambo, and Dumb Ass. We're hanging out with the ladies inside, ogling over that married ass and some barely-legal titties. Because why not. 

The Younger Sister just turned 18, and she had on a pair of short-shorts with a crop-top.

It feels just like high school again.

Lets see...

Attitude?

Check.

Piercings?

Check.

Bitch level?

Off the charts!

Tattoos?

Not sure. But most likely, yes.

Judging just by the first 30 minutes of our interaction. I can already tell, she got a bright future - As a stripper!

So we ended up just sitting around. Watching Dumb Ass pull moves on someone way too young for him.

Her voice was irritating, she had this overly nasal tone... She kept threatening Dumb Ass in that female-thug... Voice? I seem to not have the words to sufficiently describes her level of retardation... Hmm.

It's like, bitch... Learn some fucking respect. Be glad there is someone complimenting you, because it sure ain't coming from me.

I don't know why these cucks even try... You tell her she's hot, she calls you a bitch. Something's not adding up here, it's almost like, not kissing her ass would actually get you farther. But who knows, I'm not a doctor.

I mean, I wouldn't blame anyone for kicking Dumb Ass's ass. I'd even encourage it! But still...

I couldn't watch any longer because everything was just so cringe. I might actually burst an eyeball vein if I kept watching.

We took shots, and killed mosquitoes.

Tall Cambo got really fucked by this point, so we had to carry his ass back inside. Before all that's left of him is a red puddle, and Remy Martin. Not that I really mind, I mean, mosquitoes gotta eat too. Right?

"Can we just leave him outside for the mosquitoes to eat?"

"No, we can't"

"Come on... Mosquito lives matter."

My black friend was not amused.

"..."

"Okay lets go get his fat ass."

It took two people, but even that wasn't enough because this guy was heavy as fuck!

We struggled from the back yard, all the way inside the house.

Okay, done!

I passed the torch over to Skinny Cambo, it was his turn to take one for the team. Skinny Cambo was struggling to carry that heavy sack of alcohol. Welp! See ya, bro!

I hunted down some food.

I was in the kitchen eating a random pizza I found, while sipping some Hen.

All of a sudden, Skinny Cambo runs out screaming that Tall Cambo just choked him.

"It okay! Tall Cambo was just playing around."

"No dude, he choked me!"

"I'm eating pizza, go away."

Then I heard screaming, and slapping sounds. The fuck?

I walked down the hallway, and into Tall Cambo's room. What I saw, after pushing that slightly cracked door open, was simply, whoa.

Tall Cambo had one hand firmly around the wife's throat, angrily choking her, while just casually fighting the Younger Sister with his free hand.

The Younger Sister was all up in there. Trying to act gangster, she kept saying she was gonna kick some ass... Knock someone out...

Suuuuuuuuuuure!

Like your 100 pound, skinny ass is gonna win a punching match again someone over twice your size.

So I pulled her out before she got choked too. Then went back in for the wife.

"No! All you guys get out."

"But!"

"No, don't worry, I got this. Everyone just get out!"

It was truly, a confusing moment.

In any other situation... I'd just throw punches, shout some profanities, and ask questions later. But what to do, when one of your buddies is on the receiving end of that fist?

So I got out... and felt a little thirsty.

Now, when life throws you confusing lemons. I prefer to think it over with some shots! So I went and poured myself another glass.

Occasionally checking in on the wife to see if she's still alive.

Meanwhile, the Younger Sister was doing her thing. Sitting on her phone, crying. And some old dude at the party tried to smooth things over.

"Hey its okay, don't cry. It's no big deal."

"Don't tell me how to fucking feel!"

"Just calm down."

"NO! My sister was getting beat!"

"Yeah I know, just calm down."

"Don't tell me how to fucking feel!"

"Please! Just calm down."

"NoOoOoOo!"

I just sat there and watched, sipping my Hen.

Why was she even worried? There were 5 grown-ass men there. It wouldn't take much to handle a drunk Tall Cambo.

The wife came out a while later. As I soon discover, she is actually a pretty cool chick! Who is also very pleasing on the eyes.

"Holy shit, that was crazy! Are you okay? Does that happen a lot!?"

"Yeah it is pretty normal."

"Normal!?"

"Don't worry, he wouldn't hurt me. If he did, I'd call the cops."
 
 I wasn't even buzzed! But it seems like the party was pretty much over.

"Dudes, its only 11PM. Do we need to go home now? You guys wanna go somewhere after this?"

The wife pipes in,

"No, you guys feel free to stay! I'll even have a shot with you!"

I knew exactly what this meant, the party is back on! We got some music going, and I refilled everyone's shot glasses!

The night might actually be okay. Those other assholes disappeared when things got hot...They'd drink the alcohol, and eat the food... no problem. But when shit start flying, they all ran away? Typical.

The Younger Sister, saw Dumb Ass delicately smacking mosquitoes with a rolled up piece of paper,

"You hit like a little bitch."

"Hey!"

Then she walks over, and smacks the mosquitoes with her bare-hands.

"Damn, Dumb Ass! She's more man than you!"

"Hey! Fuck you, bro!"

We were having a pretty good time. Then Tall Cambo stumbles out,

"Hey! Finally your ass is sober! Come join us!"

But Tall Cambo wasn't out of that drunken rage mode yet, he punches the wall, then tells everyone to get the fuck out of his house.

"Oooookay! Let's get the hell out of here."

I pack everything up, finished my shot, then grabbed my cup of noodles. Don't want to let any food go to waste, ya know!?

Skinny Cambo goes out first, with Tall Cambo punching the wall behind him.

Then I leave after,

"Good night guys, thanks for having me over."

 

"Get out, bro!"

I see Skinny Cambo in the driveway, he looks a little shaken. Even tearing up a little bit! 😂

"You good, man?"

"Yeah I'm okay. We're never coming back to his house again."

But Dumb Ass was nowhere to be seen. So I ask,

"Where the fuck is Dumb Ass?"

"I dunno."

I got back inside, and the mother fucker lost his shoes... He was stumbling around the house trying to find his shoes, with a very angry Tall Cambo looming over him. 😡

Then Tall Cambo punches a picture, causing it to fall and spray glass everywhere.

"Dumb Ass, what the fuck are you doing!?"

"I can't find my shoes!"

"How the hell do you lose your shoes? It's either the front door, or the back door? Where the fuck did you leave it?!"

"I dunno!"

"Dude, just get the fuck out!"

"I can't!"

I swear, if anything were to happen. Dumb Ass would be the first to die, no doubt about that.

I go back outside, and wait. Skinny Cambo then asks me,

"Did he die?"

"Yeah probably."

I go back inside to find the ladies.

"Where the hell is Dumb Ass?"

"He is in the bathroom."

"What!? Is he taking a shit!?"

"Yeah..."

Welp...

Dumb Ass was smart enough to park directly behind us, so we couldn't leave without him. Guess we gotta stay and wait... Either for him to come out, or drag his dead body out and steal the keys.

Dumb Ass cowers outside, after finishing his shit.

"Dude... Dumb Ass... I don't even know where to start..."

"Lets just go home."

"Good idea."

And that was when we all discovered, Tall Cambo was a wife beater. And Dumb Ass is STILL a fucking idiot.

Fin.

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