Stop Making Out At Restaurants

It was Saturday night, and I was feeling tired.

And very thirsty.

So where do you go, when you "want to get drunk but nothing too wild..."

Apple Bee's.

I was barely halfway through my first mojito, when a young couple got seated behind us.

Great...

This is only the 20-billionth time that I've seen a couple, like, eat each other's face while everyone is just trying to finish dinner... At a family restaurant.

I don't have very high hopes, I could just tell by looking at these two that they're degenerates. But who knows.

I usually run to the family restaurant when I want to avoid the thots. But sometimes, they come to me!

They were seated side-by-side, behind me. Yep... It's over. The classic exhibitionist position.

My girlfriend was sat facing them, and she kept telling me to look at how romantic the people sitting 2-inches behind me are being!

Awww! So cute!

It was absolutely disgusting... 

You are in a damn Apple Bee's. Not a fucking Adam & Eve, Lovers, or Wal-Mart. Okay?

There are little kids here with their parents, trying to wolf down some Four-Cheese Mac N' Cheese. We don't need any extra slurping or squishing coming from your unwashed mandibles.

I need a shot.

"Excuse me, waitress? Give me something to end this nightmare sitting behind me."

"What?"

"Give me something that will knock me out."

"Oh? How about...?"

I cut her off. 😵

"Whatever it is, make it a double."

Our two future-leaders-of-America were just laughing and giggling... Their attempts at pillow talk were cringe as fuck. I didn't even need to look, I already knew!

Where's my damn shot! Hurry with that shit! This is a life or death situation!

The two older gentlemen at the table in front of me, eye rolled so hard at the spectacle behind me, that I thought we were going to need to call in an exorcist. 👹

Seriously, why do trashy people feel the need to demonstrate their love... Everywhere! Have a little class with that ass.

After some time, they decided to come up for air. The young fellow was going to try impressing the lady with a little drinking. Cute.

"I would like to have a Jack Henny please."

"What?

"A Jack, Henny!"

That was the first time I've heard of such a thing - Jack, Henny. You like to mix Jack Daniels and Hennessy together? No wonder you're such a bitch!

I'd love to see them drink that shit. I eagerly wait for the waitress!

The girl gives it the first sip.

*Choke*

*Cough*

*Sputter*

"Oh God, that was strong!"

*Cough*

The only thing running through my mind was... Loooosssseeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

You can sit there and drown in each other's bodily fluids, but you can't handle a little Jack Henny? Weak!

Then our hero steps in.

*Cough

"Yeah, that's good."

HAHAHAHAHAHAH! Amateurs.

"Excuse me, can I get a shot of Patron. Make that a double too!"

When my shot came,

"Alright, this is gonna be good! Down the hatch!"

Easy.

"Now that was smooth!"

I finish it off by sucking on my tikkk lime, making lots of noise as I squeeze out every drop. And that, was that!

The Patron reinvigorated my spirit, laser-focusing my chi into a razor thin edge! I finished my Four-Cheese Mac N' Cheese, Wonton Tacos, Asian Zing Boneless Chicken Wings, some kind of fajita thing, and demolished the alcohol. Goosfrabaaaaa!

I'm a little fat.