Stop Making Out At Restaurants

It was Saturday night, and I was feeling tired.

And very thirsty.

So where do you go, when you "want to get drunk but nothing too wild..."

Apple Bee's.

I was barely halfway through my first mojito, when a young couple got seated behind us.

This is only the 20-billionth time that I've seen a couple, like, eat each other's face while everyone is just trying to finish dinner... At a family restaurant.

I don't have very high hopes, I could just tell by looking at these two that they're degenerates. But who knows.

I usually run to the family restaurant when I want to avoid the thots. But sometimes, they come to me!

They were seated side-by-side, behind me. Yep... It's over. The classic exhibitionist position.

My girlfriend was sat facing them, and she kept telling me to look at how romantic the people sitting 2-inches behind me are being!

Awww! So cute!

It was absolutely disgusting... 

You are in a damn Apple Bee's. Not a fucking Adam & Eve, Lovers, or Wal-Mart. Okay?

There are little kids here with their parents, trying to wolf down some Four-Cheese Mac N' Cheese. We don't need any extra slurping or squishing coming from your unwashed mandibles.

I need a shot.

"Excuse me, waitress? Give me something to end this nightmare sitting behind me."


"Give me something that will knock me out."

"Oh? How about...?"

I cut her off. 😵

"Whatever it is, make it a double."

Our two future-leaders-of-America were just laughing and giggling... Their attempts at pillow talk were cringe as fuck. I didn't even need to look, I already knew!

Where's my damn shot! Hurry with that shit! This is a life or death situation!

The two older gentlemen at the table in front of me, eye rolled so hard at the spectacle behind me, that I thought we were going to need to call in an exorcist. 👹

Seriously, why do trashy people feel the need to demonstrate their love... Everywhere! Have a little class with that ass.

After some time, they decided to come up for air. The young fellow was going to try impressing the lady with a little drinking. Cute.

"I would like to have a Jack Henny please."


"A Jack, Henny!"

That was the first time I've heard of such a thing - Jack, Henny. You like to mix Jack Daniels and Hennessy together? No wonder you're such a bitch!

I'd love to see them drink that shit. I eagerly wait for the waitress!

The girl gives it the first sip.




"Oh God, that was strong!"


The only thing running through my mind was... Loooosssseeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

You can sit there and drown in each other's bodily fluids, but you can't handle a little Jack Henny? Weak!

Then our hero steps in.


"Yeah, that's good."


"Excuse me, can I get a shot of Patron. Make that a double too!"

When my shot came,

"Alright, this is gonna be good! Down the hatch!"


"Now that was smooth!"

I finish it off by sucking on my tikkk lime, making lots of noise as I squeeze out every drop. And that, was that!

The Patron reinvigorated my spirit, laser-focusing my chi into a razor thin edge! I finished my Four-Cheese Mac N' Cheese, Wonton Tacos, Asian Zing Boneless Chicken Wings, some kind of fajita thing, and demolished the alcohol. Goosfrabaaaaa!

I'm a little fat.


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